by The Armenian Mirror-Spectator
By Berge Jololian
Negotiating peace between Armenia, Azerbaijan, and Turkey has officially entered the realm of farce. Add Russia’s Putin and Belarus’s Lukashenko to the mix, and you have the world’s most dysfunctional quartet of dictators — Aliyev, Erdogan, Putin and Lukashenko — who could easily moonlight as the villains in a satirical geopolitical sitcom. Their demands on Armenia range from ludicrous to outright laughable, revealing that their vision of “peace” is more like a game of “Let’s Humiliate Armenia for Fun.”
Name Games and Mountain Claims
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It seems that Armenia’s negotiations with Azerbaijan and Turkey for a peace treaty are less about diplomacy and more about surreal theater. The ever-growing list of demands from the Aliyev-Erdogan duo ranges from the audacious to the outright absurd. Their latest? A request for Armenia’s Foreign Minister, Ararat Mirzoyan, to change his name because “Ararat” is simply too triggering for Turkey. After all, how dare an Armenian official carry the name of a mountain that has symbolized Armenia for millennia, even though it now sits awkwardly within Turkey’s borders?
Erdogan reportedly said, “every time I hear the word Ararat, I’m reminded of things I’d rather not admit happened.” Suggestions for Mirzoyan’s new name include “Flatland Mirzoyan” or simply “Nothing-to-See-Here Mirzoyan.”
Meanwhile, Putin chimed in to support Erdogan’s claim, declaring that Mount Ararat was “never really Armenian anyway” and suggesting it be renamed Mount Neutral. “Let’s make it fair for everyone,” Putin said, ignoring his troops’ failure to lift a finger when Azerbaijani forces ethnically cleansed Armenians from Nagorno-Karabakh under the watchful eye of Russian “peacekeepers.” Apparently, in Putin’s world, peacekeeping means keeping peace between Azerbaijan and Turkey – by throwing Armenia under the bus.
Azerbaijan, emboldened by its oil wealth and Turkey’s unwavering support, has also proposed that Armenia redesign its national flag. “The red, blue, and orange colors are too vibrant and might provoke Azerbaijan,” Aliyev allegedly complained. He suggested something “less confrontational” – perhaps a plain white flag? After all, why bother negotiating peace when you can just force the other side to preemptively surrender?
Meanwhile, Turkey insists that Armenia issue an official apology for Mount Ararat’s continued presence on the Armenian coat of arms. “We consider it cultural theft,” Erdogan reportedly said, conveniently forgetting that Mount Ararat was, in fact, Armenian long before Turkey existed. As a compromise, Turkey has offered to lease the image of the mountain back to Armenia for a modest fee — paid in Turkish lira, naturally.
Armenia must brace itself for more absurd demands from the Erdogan-Aliyev duo — perhaps something as ridiculous as renaming Lake Sevan to “Lake Erdogan.” After all, the name “Lake Sevan” might hit too close to home, reminding them of Lake Van, the cradle of Armenian civilization that they’d rather everyone forget.
As for Foreign Minister Ararat Mirzoyan? He hopes he keeps his name — and maybe even climbs Mount Ararat one day, just to remind the world of whose legacy it truly is.
The Corridor to Nowhere
Let’s not forget the infamous “Zangezur Corridor” demand. Azerbaijan insists on a direct land route through southern Armenia, claiming it’s for economic development. Rumor has it, though, that Baku’s real plan involves constructing a private highway for Aliyev’s motorcade, complete with golden toll booths and “Welcome to Azerbaijan” signs written in Comic Sans. “It’s a purely logistical need,” officials say, as they quietly sketch plans for Azerbaijani flags to be planted along the route, complete with giant statues of himself. Putin nodded approvingly, saying, “I’ll lend you some of my shirtless horseback photos for inspiration.”
Erdogan, never one to be outdone, suggested building a pipeline alongside the corridor, not for oil, but to pump Turkish tea directly into Azerbaijan. “It’s cultural diplomacy,” Erdogan said with a straight face.
Meanwhile, Lukashenko, Belarus’s own contribution to the axis of absurdity, proposed installing a chain of potato-themed rest stops along the way. “Everyone loves potatoes,” Lukashenko declared. “This will unite us all!”
When Armenia suggested joint monitoring mechanisms to ensure fair implementation of any peace deal, Erdogan scoffed. “We don’t need oversight,” he said. “Azerbaijan and Turkey are perfectly capable of monitoring themselves.” As evidence of their impartiality, they offered to provide binoculars exclusively to their own observers.
While the absurdity of these demands is enough to make anyone laugh, the underlying truth is far less funny. The Aliyev-Erdogan duo continues to leverage their power to impose unreasonable terms, testing Armenia’s patience and resilience. The international community, watching this spectacle, must remember that peace cannot be achieved by bullying one side into submission.
Peacekeeping, Russian-Style
The role of Russian peacekeepers in Nagorno-Karabakh has been nothing short of theatrical. Tasked with protecting Armenians, they instead stood idly by while Azerbaijan carried out ethnic cleansing. “We’re peacekeepers, not peacemakers,” Putin clarified. “Besides, we were busy coordinating with Erdogan and Aliyev on more important matters, like deciding who gets to rename Yerevan next.”
Some speculate that Putin’s endgame is to turn Armenia into a vassal state entirely dependent on Moscow. “It’s not betrayal,” Putin reportedly told Aliyev and Erdogan over tea. “It’s just business. Besides, who needs Armenians when I’ve got friends like you two?”
Aliyev, Erdogan, Putin, and Lukashenko — collectively known as the Axis of Dictators — seem less interested in diplomacy and more focused on solidifying their own power. Their combined track record includes war crimes, suppressing dissent, rigging elections, and rewriting history. The only thing missing is a boy band album titled Dictators United: Greatest Hits of Oppression.
The list of demands doesn’t stop at names and corridors. Erdogan wants Armenia to apologize for existing, while Aliyev insists that Armenian churches are “clearly Azerbaijani mosques in disguise.” Putin, for his part, wants Armenia to declare Russian as its official language and adopt mandatory shirtless calendar photos of himself in all government offices.
A Call for Sanity
While it’s tempting to laugh at the absurdity of these demands, the reality is sobering. Armenia faces existential threats not only from Azerbaijan and Turkey but also from the betrayal of supposed allies like Russia. The international community must confront this axis of dictators, whose actions jeopardize not only Armenia’s sovereignty but also global stability.
At this critical juncture, Armenians must heed the timeless calls for unity from the great poets Paruyr Sevak and Yeghishe Charents. Sevak implored Armenians to overcome their divisions, famously stating, ”If we are to survive, we must unite, not for ourselves, but for the sake of Armenia.” Similarly, Charents, in his poignant verse, reminded his people of their shared destiny: ”Oh Armenian people, your only salvation is in your collective strength.” These words resonate now more than ever, as internal strife only serves to weaken Armenia’s ability to confront external threats.
Divisive criticism of the Armenian government and its leadership fractures the nation, eroding its capacity to defend against genuine enemies. The real threats to Armenia’s sovereignty are not internal but lie with the authoritarian regimes actively undermining its territorial integrity and identity.
In recognizing the harsh realities of geopolitics in a region dominated by dictatorships, unity is no longer a choice but a necessity. Armenians must redirect their energy toward building collective strength through solidarity and action, rising above internal divisions to protect their homeland. Only through the unity envisioned by Sevak and Charents can Armenia secure its sovereignty and ensure its survival in an increasingly volatile and unforgiving geopolitical landscape.